Joke: Diagnosis machine

One day Joe complained to his friend "My elbow really hurts.
I guess I should go to the doctor."  His friend replied
"Don't do that, there is a computer at the chemist's that
can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will
diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it.  It
only costs $10.00."

Joe figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
a urine sample and deposited the $10.00.  The computer
started making some noises and various lights started
flashing.  After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of
paper on which was printed:
YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW.  SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER.  AVOID
HEAVY LABOR.  IT WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new
technology was and how it would change medical science
forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try.  He mixed together some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from
his wife and daughter.  To top it off, he masturbated into
the concoction.  He went back to the pharmacy, located the
machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00.  The
machine again made the usual noise and printed out the
following analysis:
YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD - GET A WATER SOFTENER.  YOUR DOG
HAS WORMS - GIVE HIM VITAMINS.  YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING
COCAINE - PUT HER IN REHAB.  YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH
TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS - GET A  LAWYER.  AND IF YOU DON'T
STOP JERKING OFF, YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.