Joke: Quotes

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is
an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
--George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started
walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and
we don't know where the hell she is.
--Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
--Rita Rudner

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By
the second day you're off it.
--Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some
fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some
fries with that?"
--Jay Leno

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots
wore helmets.
--Dave Edison

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to
the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a
hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
--Billiam Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
--Oscar Wilde

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base.
--Dave Barry

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Kuwait.
--A. Whitney Brown

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned
how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's
ability to use language that makes him the dominant species
on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other
thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of
vacuum cleaners.
--Jeff Stilson

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking
up something else.
--Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always
say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On
fire?
--Rita Rudner

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a
pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt
with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your
biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before
you do the wash.
--Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be
eating a slow learner.
--Lynda Montgomery

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying,
but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
--Lily Tomlin

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that
someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal
family?
--Robin Williams

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty,
but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
--Richard Jeni