Joke: Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone

MATURITY:  Women mature much faster than men do.  Most
17-year old females can function as adults.  Most
17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high
school romances rarely work out.

HANDWRITING:  To their credit, men do not decorate their
penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.  Women use scented,
colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and
hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.
Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the
end of the note.

BATHROOMS:  A man has six items in his bathroom -- a
toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial
soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of
items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man would
not be able to identify most of them.

RESTROOMS:  Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges.  Men in a restroom
will never speak a word to each other.  Never in the history
of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant
table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak.
Do you want to join me?

CATS:  Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when
women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:  Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her
children.  She knows about dentist appointments and soccer
games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and
secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is vaguely aware
of some short people living in the house.

SEX:  Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer
30-40 seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.

DRESSING UP:  A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water
the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a
book, get the mail.  A man will dress up for weddings and
funerals.

LAUNDRY:  Women do laundry every day.  A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants,
before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.
Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat.
This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of
"Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS:  When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about
"the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

MENOPAUSE:  When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through
a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and
biological changes.  The nature and degree of these changes
varies with the individual.  Menopause in a man provokes a
uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French
beret and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a
Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE:  Men see the telephone as a communication
tool.  They use the telephone to send short messages to
other people.  A woman can visit her girlfriend for two
weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same
friend and they will talk for three hours.

RICHARD GERE:  Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in
a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds
them of that slick guy who works at the health club and
dates only married women.

MADONNA:  Same as above, but reversed.  Same reason.

PLANTS:  A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is
on vacation. The man waters the plants.  The woman comes
home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead
plants.  No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS:  Men take photography very seriously.  They'll
shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build
dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase
Kodak Instamatics.  Of course, women always end up taking
better pictures.

LOCKER ROOMS:  In the locker room men talk about three
things: money, football, and women.  They exaggerate about
money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think
they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk
about one thing in the locker room -- sex.  And not in
abstract terms, either.  They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.

GARAGES:  Women use garages to park their cars and store
their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things.  They
hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages,
and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

MOVIES:  Every actress in the history of movies has had to
do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history
of movies has been produced by a man.  The only actor who
has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This
is another reason why men hate him.

TIME:  When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five
more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a
man says the football game's just got five minutes left.
Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials or
replays.

CONVERSATION:  Men need a good disagreement to get talking,
e.g., "Wow, great movie," "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop
would have an Uzi that size!"  "Well, maybe he got it
because he knew about those Mafia guys." Women, not having
this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by
saying something agreeable:  "That garden by the roadside
looks lovely."  "Mm hmm." Pause.  "That was a good
restaurant last night, wasn't it?"  "Yeah." Pause.  And so
on.  Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on
a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of
which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"